Crappy Joke Thread...

[Odm]

Post all your crappy jokes. Or not so crappy ones, whatever. I'll post one:

A sailor walks into a bar with something strange in his pants. The bartender asks, "What's that round thing in your pants?"

The sailor responds, "Yaar, tis a steering wheel, tis driving me nuts."

[jnick]

A sailor walks into a bar and says...ouch!

...No comment...

[sushi128]

A blind priest, a midget rabbi, and a black pastor walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke???"

[mR-D]

A guy goes for a long run, he's hot and sweaty, and he see's a bar in the distance, so he thinks 'Fuck it! I'll stop past'. He runs into the club, but, doesn't see that it's a gay club. As he approaches the bar he says "Jesus... I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls..."

All of a sudden, every one in the bar jumps onto a table, pulls down their pants, and goes MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[RAY16]

I did not make think of these jokes. They are just some jokes i found on the net and saved.


Top FBI Agent:

The FBI was looking for their top agent and they narrowed their choice down to three people, two guys and a girl. The brought in the first guy to give him his ultimate assignment. They brought him the room and they said "Look, for your ultimate test you hafta take this gun, go in that room and shoot your wife. She's sitting on a chair in there." The guy looked at them in disbelief and said, "I...I can't do that." The FBI agents bring in the next guy and give him the mission. The guy takes the gun, walks in the room and comes back out and hands them the gun and says "I can't do that. I'm sorry. I can't shoot my wife." So the FBI agents bring in the girl and they tell her that she hasta go in and shoot her husband. She looks at the agents to make sure they're serious, takes the gun and walks in the room. Then you hear six shots ring out. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then shit starts crashing all aroung the room. CRASH BANG BOOM. After everything is quiet she came out of the room. The FBI guys asked "What the hell happened?!" She said "some dumbass loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Little Johnny on the bus:

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting
right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my
daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby
lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.

After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and
said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your
mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a
bus driver."
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A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can you help me?" "Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask your mum if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen.

"Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mum looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her the same question.

"Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah..." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing. "For a million bucks? What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click...

"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality." "What did you learn son?" "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts and a fag!"
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A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too,"

But she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need. "Oh, really," he says, " so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman!
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A veteran Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration please?" The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection." "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You've got to be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir". "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, may I see your license and registration, please?"

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!" "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The veteran Ranger had had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now, sir, let me ask you this. Would you like me to slow down...or come to a complete stop?"


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Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman. Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says"She is really big and fat isn't she daddy?" The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down. In a few minutes the little boy yells out; "She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!"

The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son; "We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don't do it again." The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman's beeper went off. He then yelled: "Look out daddy, she is backing up!"

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A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man would come along behind him and fill in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the previous hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down
the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. But Elmer is off sick ... so it's just me an' Leroy today."

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Here are some Yo Moma jokes:


Yo' mama's so FAT:

she don't take pictures, she takes posters
her baby pictures were taken by satellite
a picture of her would fall off the wall
she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us
she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out
she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
she puts on her belt with a boomerang
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
when you get on top of her your ears pop
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear "Caution Wide Load"
when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo
she fell in love and broke it
she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon
even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
she wakes up in sections
when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck
she's on both sides of the family
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil
she fell and made the Grand Canyon
she has to use a VCR as a beeper
she broke her leg, and gravy poured out
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out
she influences the tides
she stands in two time zones
she cant tie her own shoes
she cant reach her back pocket
that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse
they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through tunnel when they want to clean it
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Holy shit!"
she wears a watch on each arm, One for each time zone
after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party
when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
her favorite dress is a tent
she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops
she has to iron her pants on the driveway
she needs a building permit for her girdle
she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller
she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon
when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose
when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please"
when she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued"
when she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock"
the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale
the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight
she has her own zip code
the phone company gave her two area codes
people jog around her for exercise
when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI"
when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her
she shows up on radar
when she goes to a restaurant, she looks at a menu and goes, "Okay"
when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again"
when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate
when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains"
when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them
when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy"
the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds
when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun
when she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean
when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D"
she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship
she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
her senior picture had to be an aerial view
she has to fly cargo class
she has to wear a sock on each toe
she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat
the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button
when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas
she sells shade in the summer
cows graze by her for the shade
when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her
she got on an airplane and only the wings took off
she could be the eighth continent
she farted and put herself into an orbit
I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back
the only thing attracted to her is gravity
small objects tend to orbit her
her belly button's got an echo
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Yo mama's so STUPID:

she got hit by a parked car
she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays
she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog
she bought a solar-powered flashlight
she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses /water-proof teabag/wheelchair with pedals
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's
she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico
she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate"
I strangled her with a cordless phone
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she sits on the TV and watches the sofa
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?"
she stands up on an empty bus
when I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color
when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends
she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed
she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor
she only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops
she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills
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Yo mama's so UGLY:

your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye
she makes blind kids cry
when she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back
the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down
when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes
when she gets up, the sun goes down
when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows
when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother
when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it"
when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end
the government moved Halloween to her birthday
instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies
when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back"
the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her
her mom had to feed her with a slingshot
her parents first named her "Accident"
they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
she took your dog to the Canine Show and won your dog came in second
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[RAY16]

Here are some more:


THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY:

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
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So there's this soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick.

The new dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front.

There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero.

The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side - slow and steady. As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank."
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
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[WhoGivesARatsAss]

RAY.. u sick fuck stop spamming the boards..

*does this count as a joke*

[RADiator]

Originally posted by WhoGivesARatsAss
RAY.. u sick fuck stop spamming the boards..

*does this count as a joke* I guess not but you’ll just say it anyway don’t ya?

[WhoGivesARatsAss]

ok how abt this one..

RAY go fuck a hen.. boy i am coming up with RAY jokes..

[JerraMaya]

Originally posted by WhoGivesARatsAss
ok how abt this one..

RAY go fuck a hen.. boy i am coming up with RAY jokes..

NO Hens They are for SixShooter :D :D

[cr3am]

ray, good jokes

[SaintDL]

this supposed to be crappy jokes, whats he doing telling funny ones?

[RAY16]

Post all your crappy jokes. Or not so crappy ones, whatever. I'll post one:



Look at what is in bold above... Thats why i posted good ones, because they are not so crappy.

[ghiop]

Originally posted by Odm
Post all your crappy jokes. Or not so crappy ones, whatever. I'll post one:

A sailor walks into a bar with something strange in his pants. The bartender asks, "What's that round thing in your pants?"

The sailor responds, "Yaar, tis a steering wheel, tis driving me nuts."

That's the greatest joke on here since the "what's brown and sticky" joke.

But maybe I just have a soft spot for pirates.

[Odm]

Ok, so there's three boys talking to their mom. One asks, "Why was I named Feather?"

"Because when you were born a feather fell on you"

"Well then why was I named Rraindrop?" the other boy asked.

"Because when you were born a drop of rain fell on you."

The other boy starts making moaning noises and the mother yells "Shut up, Fridge!"