MrGlass
August 16th, 2003, 07:45 PM
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the amazing tale. Many of you didn't believe I had the ability to go so far as to make an amazing tale. Many of you laughed at me, or shunned me. But look at me now. I stand here before you, a new man not so broken as once believed.
It started back in the summer of 76'. I was just a youth at that time, unknowing of the future I would soon see through bloodied eyes. Back then I must've been about -10, so I was naive, and unaware of the world outside. I lead a sheltered existence under the wing of my mother. My father, who was later accused and convicted of zoophilia, was not a loving one. He would frequently beat me until I was nothing more than an ill-conceived puddle of bloodie soup on our precious linoleum floors. But I digress.
The day I came of age and finally escaped my parents was the happiest day of my life. I was finally free to play and get addicted to destructive drugs just like all the other kids at school. Life had never been better for that brief period.
Unfortunately, that was when the really obscure second not-so-bad depression struck our little town of Shaawwwzgjinake. Men and women were unemployed everywhere, and it seemed as though human liberties took a backseat to ruthless tyranny. The town's emperor was swift to declare martial law, and many of my good friends were killed. In-fact, only my good friends were killed. I knew then and there what had to be done. I had to become... a lawyer.
20 years later, I was back on my feet. the horrible mental scars I had been left with were healed, and left a fine network of white tissue across the back of my mind. I had in my hand a diploma which read as follows:
"Dear student. You are holding this DIPLOMA because you have PASSED the COURSE partaining to the study of XEROX TEST SHEET.
00099912989890abbbbdddddddcccccsdddfdg00000----~"
I carry it with me to this very day. With this new feather in my proverbial cap, I was free to achieve lawyerdom. Once there, I had to tie up a few loose ends.
I made a long trek back to my old country home. I had to seek closure with my parents. As I entered the small cottage, I found both my parents dead, floating in the very soup they were making. The irony was too much for me and so I receded from the world outside.
Hiding under a mountain, I made rope out of the plentiful hair excreting from the many pores of my body. This gave me re-assurance, but increased my self-awareness. I could never leave the quiet and careful darkness which was my solace away from the "civilized world".
And now here I am, covered in the very hair that grew out of my many orifices, roped like my own destiny around my twisted and "noosed" neck.
The End.
I beg to differ.
No, I command. COMMAND! But that leads us to a whole new chapter of my amazing life.
I remember back in the day... it was the year 10191. Unfortunately, Frank herbert's books were waaay off. Yes, the Galaxy was splintering into many opposing factions, and spice was the most precious resource in the Universe, but the actors weren't the same at all.
Anyways, I was onboard my inter-galactic freighter when several Stunch assassins boarded my ship!
-Hand over your precious cargo, human worm.
-NEVER!
Just as I said so, the Stunch briggands advanced. I had no choice but to detach my tail to confuse them. While they were distracted with my amazing trick, I pummelled them to death with my MIGHTY PELVIS. Of course my pelvis was much mightier back then, but time has not been kind to me.
With those villains out of the way, it was time to deliver my precious cargo to the planet 'Smurm VII'; the home of the legendary Gas-root. Little did they know that may cargo was not carefully processed medicines at all! It was in-fact, a weapon of mass destruction which would allow me to enslave every man, woman and child in the known Universe.
Much to my dismay, I realized my communications system was active while I told myself of all my plans, codes to access the weapon, and school schedule, and I was promptly incarcerated by the local authorities.
And now I await my release, when I will once again foil my own plans by crerating a pen-ultimate weapon easily capturable or extremely fragile.
MUAHAHA!!!
So I was sitting here thinking about what I should do to pass the time. Hours must've gone by, and yet my mind remained a proverbial blank. Just then, like the supernova of a distant star, it occurred to me. I would post on this forum! And so it came to pass that I would turn on my computer, open Internet Explorer, and don my carefully crafted guise which is Boobo.
Seeing as how I have recounted enough my fictitious life, I shall regail you with a fanciful story of 2 lovers caught in the throes of lust and maybe premarital sex.
Once upon a time, there was this man whose mighty name was Jack. Unlike many other men his amazing age, he was well-endowed with a mighty tool. That tool was love... and the lower-workings of his reproductive system.
Jack came from a well-to-do family, thriving in a world of bells and whistles. Unfortunately for Jack, the day he came of age, his parents dis-owned him and sent him on his own into the world of telemarketers and men smelling of foreign cheeses and HAM
Once out in the real world, Jack needed to find somewhere to stay. It came upon his mind that he would woo a lady-friend, and thus leech the comfort of her home. The target of his immense lebido fell upon one unsuspecting Jill.
"Hey you hot-assed biatch. Wanna ride me like it's 1945?"
"No thank you, I already ate."
"Fair enough. I am now living at your house biznatch."
And so it came to pass that Jack lived happily with Jill for many years, and fathered many hideous children.
One day, a drought stuck the miserable metropolis where the two lived, and water became scarce. In-fact, the only place water could be found was on top of a mountain covered in shards of broken glass and power rangers action figures. The two took it upon themselves to go fetch a pail of water, and return, where they could sell it for millions and thus finally crush humanity by buying the final piece needed to create a super-weapon capable of making every man, woman and child damp, and thus put everybody in an irritable mood.
As Jack and Jill reached the top of the mountain, they aspyed the ominous well of Ganzook! Using their +4 Bucket of Water Retrieval, the duo successfully passed all their initiative rolls and captured their precious water.
Little did they know that at that very moment, Jack's foot would disappear and he would be sent tumbling down the mountain. At the end of his horrifying fall, his crown would be dashed upon the streets, and his sweet succulent brains would be splattered all-over my nice clean kitchen floor.
And it goes without saying that Jill would go tumbling after, so she could retrieve Jack's amazing Junk, and be rid of men forever.
The moral of the story: Lesbians WILL steal your penis if you are unconscious in their presence.
And now it is time to sleep. SLEEP!
And that is my horrible legacy. STOP READING!
It started back in the summer of 76'. I was just a youth at that time, unknowing of the future I would soon see through bloodied eyes. Back then I must've been about -10, so I was naive, and unaware of the world outside. I lead a sheltered existence under the wing of my mother. My father, who was later accused and convicted of zoophilia, was not a loving one. He would frequently beat me until I was nothing more than an ill-conceived puddle of bloodie soup on our precious linoleum floors. But I digress.
The day I came of age and finally escaped my parents was the happiest day of my life. I was finally free to play and get addicted to destructive drugs just like all the other kids at school. Life had never been better for that brief period.
Unfortunately, that was when the really obscure second not-so-bad depression struck our little town of Shaawwwzgjinake. Men and women were unemployed everywhere, and it seemed as though human liberties took a backseat to ruthless tyranny. The town's emperor was swift to declare martial law, and many of my good friends were killed. In-fact, only my good friends were killed. I knew then and there what had to be done. I had to become... a lawyer.
20 years later, I was back on my feet. the horrible mental scars I had been left with were healed, and left a fine network of white tissue across the back of my mind. I had in my hand a diploma which read as follows:
"Dear student. You are holding this DIPLOMA because you have PASSED the COURSE partaining to the study of XEROX TEST SHEET.
00099912989890abbbbdddddddcccccsdddfdg00000----~"
I carry it with me to this very day. With this new feather in my proverbial cap, I was free to achieve lawyerdom. Once there, I had to tie up a few loose ends.
I made a long trek back to my old country home. I had to seek closure with my parents. As I entered the small cottage, I found both my parents dead, floating in the very soup they were making. The irony was too much for me and so I receded from the world outside.
Hiding under a mountain, I made rope out of the plentiful hair excreting from the many pores of my body. This gave me re-assurance, but increased my self-awareness. I could never leave the quiet and careful darkness which was my solace away from the "civilized world".
And now here I am, covered in the very hair that grew out of my many orifices, roped like my own destiny around my twisted and "noosed" neck.
The End.
I beg to differ.
No, I command. COMMAND! But that leads us to a whole new chapter of my amazing life.
I remember back in the day... it was the year 10191. Unfortunately, Frank herbert's books were waaay off. Yes, the Galaxy was splintering into many opposing factions, and spice was the most precious resource in the Universe, but the actors weren't the same at all.
Anyways, I was onboard my inter-galactic freighter when several Stunch assassins boarded my ship!
-Hand over your precious cargo, human worm.
-NEVER!
Just as I said so, the Stunch briggands advanced. I had no choice but to detach my tail to confuse them. While they were distracted with my amazing trick, I pummelled them to death with my MIGHTY PELVIS. Of course my pelvis was much mightier back then, but time has not been kind to me.
With those villains out of the way, it was time to deliver my precious cargo to the planet 'Smurm VII'; the home of the legendary Gas-root. Little did they know that may cargo was not carefully processed medicines at all! It was in-fact, a weapon of mass destruction which would allow me to enslave every man, woman and child in the known Universe.
Much to my dismay, I realized my communications system was active while I told myself of all my plans, codes to access the weapon, and school schedule, and I was promptly incarcerated by the local authorities.
And now I await my release, when I will once again foil my own plans by crerating a pen-ultimate weapon easily capturable or extremely fragile.
MUAHAHA!!!
So I was sitting here thinking about what I should do to pass the time. Hours must've gone by, and yet my mind remained a proverbial blank. Just then, like the supernova of a distant star, it occurred to me. I would post on this forum! And so it came to pass that I would turn on my computer, open Internet Explorer, and don my carefully crafted guise which is Boobo.
Seeing as how I have recounted enough my fictitious life, I shall regail you with a fanciful story of 2 lovers caught in the throes of lust and maybe premarital sex.
Once upon a time, there was this man whose mighty name was Jack. Unlike many other men his amazing age, he was well-endowed with a mighty tool. That tool was love... and the lower-workings of his reproductive system.
Jack came from a well-to-do family, thriving in a world of bells and whistles. Unfortunately for Jack, the day he came of age, his parents dis-owned him and sent him on his own into the world of telemarketers and men smelling of foreign cheeses and HAM
Once out in the real world, Jack needed to find somewhere to stay. It came upon his mind that he would woo a lady-friend, and thus leech the comfort of her home. The target of his immense lebido fell upon one unsuspecting Jill.
"Hey you hot-assed biatch. Wanna ride me like it's 1945?"
"No thank you, I already ate."
"Fair enough. I am now living at your house biznatch."
And so it came to pass that Jack lived happily with Jill for many years, and fathered many hideous children.
One day, a drought stuck the miserable metropolis where the two lived, and water became scarce. In-fact, the only place water could be found was on top of a mountain covered in shards of broken glass and power rangers action figures. The two took it upon themselves to go fetch a pail of water, and return, where they could sell it for millions and thus finally crush humanity by buying the final piece needed to create a super-weapon capable of making every man, woman and child damp, and thus put everybody in an irritable mood.
As Jack and Jill reached the top of the mountain, they aspyed the ominous well of Ganzook! Using their +4 Bucket of Water Retrieval, the duo successfully passed all their initiative rolls and captured their precious water.
Little did they know that at that very moment, Jack's foot would disappear and he would be sent tumbling down the mountain. At the end of his horrifying fall, his crown would be dashed upon the streets, and his sweet succulent brains would be splattered all-over my nice clean kitchen floor.
And it goes without saying that Jill would go tumbling after, so she could retrieve Jack's amazing Junk, and be rid of men forever.
The moral of the story: Lesbians WILL steal your penis if you are unconscious in their presence.
And now it is time to sleep. SLEEP!
And that is my horrible legacy. STOP READING!