Joke

[Bluu]

Saddam Hussien has asked all women in Iraq to shave their pubic hair....



People are saying he's taking his anti-BUSH campaign too far!

[Odm]

that was semi-funny. you can stop posting now

[ReDeeMeR]

t'was funny enuff :D

[Roq]

im glad you posted that because it was funny.

[Bluu]

hey odm...you got a problem?...or maybe you just didn't get the joke...




anyone else here got a problem with my posting?

[cr3am]

me. you made at least 10 new threads in a couple hours yesterday, just try to cut it down a little ;):D

[Bluu]

hey cr3am...two things...

1. I come online for just an hour a day so i have very little time everyday to talk with you guys

2. I come on when most of u aren't here...so it only seems like i'm the only one posting...its just that no one else is here at this time...

[wangstramedeous]

lol. Here's another one...

The president of France seems so persistent with siding up with the Iraqis that the public have demanded he changed his name to Jacques "Iraque."

[Bluu]

Saddam, " I want to spit on the American Flag, but my good people have burnt all of them."
Saddam's aide, "Sir, here is this young girl who says she has the US flag tattooed on her fanny."
Saddam, "Darling, would you be so good as to get your pants off so that I may spit on the American Flag?"
Cute young girl takes her pants off and lies down with her butt towards her lord and master. Saddam spits on the US flag tattooed on her very cute butt. But Saddam is not satisfied.
Saddam to young girl, "Darling, would you mind turning around so that I may give Bush a good licking, screw him and then kiss him goodbye?"

[Bluu]

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can
take a brain out of one man, put it into another and
have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing! We can take a
brain out of one
person, put it into another and have him preparing
for war in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You
guys are way behind! We
just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him
in the White House,
and now half the country is looking for work, and
the other half preparing
for war."

[Yian]

LOL this is the funniest shit ever! I love it!

[blind_mad_cow]

:mad: even tho i am from texas, i suppose its funny :rolleyes:

[Yian]

OMG you won't believe how many Texas jokes I have in my head and how many more in my archive...

[cr3am]

YIAN I ORDER YOU TO POST THEM!

[Freakonaleash89]

Post em!

[Smapdey]

DDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Yian]

ok ok... I got most of them on the internet...

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

[Yian]

and here is another one...

Three college guys were out partying one night. They'd all had a little too much to drink when a cop pulled them over. So they jumped in the bed of their truck and found three big potato sacks. Each of them crawled in one.

When the officer came up to the car he shined his flash light on the first bag and tapped it. The guy from Texas Tech said, "Meow." The officer said, "Wow, that's some cat."

When he got to the second bag with the kid from University of Texas he tapped it and the kid answered, "Woof!" The officer said, "Wow, what a dog."

Then he got to the third bag with the kid from Texas A&M. He tapped it and the kid replied, "Potato."

[cr3am]

i don't get the first one, and the second one was "meh"

[Bobz0r]

its like a sack of potatoes saying POTATOE when u poke it...

also dissing texas a and m

[cr3am]

Originally posted by Bobz0r
its like a sack of potatoes saying POTATOE when u poke it...

also dissing texas a and m that's not the first one is it? also, you spelled "potatoe" wrong

[NiteWing74]

Told to me by my 11 year old son:

"Whats the difference between the President and a Two Dollar Whore?

When the whore's done screwin ya, you can still afford a pack of smokes and a beer..."

[NiteWing74]

Another from the kiddies:

"How many bullets does it take to kill Sadam Hussein?


Just one.... the rest are just for fun..."



I know, it's bad... but hey, he's only 11...

[Downfall]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,_with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet,_rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

[cr3am]

:confused:

[Downfall]

think about it......

[blind_mad_cow]

LMAO, that was a great one Downfall!!!


cr3am, the question that it ans. was: Who came first the chicken or the egg?

ya know, like in evolution, did the chicken just appear, or was there an egg that was hatched into a chicken...

[cr3am]

i know what the fuckin question was :rolleyes: i don't get how a chicken and an egg fucked or something :confused:

[blind_mad_cow]

does it really matter tho?

[cr3am]

yes, cuz the joke doesn't make sense. what does a chicken an egg and sex have to do with the question?

[blind_mad_cow]

Originally posted by cr3am
what does a chicken an egg and sex have to do with the question?

the chicken CAME first...(squirt squirt)

make sense now?

[cr3am]

ty very much :D good joke

when a joke is explained and it's still funny, you know it's a good joke

[SaintDL]

a man escaped from maximum security prison. he was a mean mafia boss sentenced to life imprisonment.

halfway through his escape, he was tired and weary and decided to go into one of the houses along the road to gear up.

he broke thru the window and saw a couple having passionate sex. he went over to the girl kiss her neck for some time and the girl pointed to the bathroom. the man then hurried to the bathroom and began searching for sumthing.

man:honey, that man was the escapoed convict in the news last night. he's a dangerous man. god knows how long he stayed in that prison. i saw the way he kissed u. i love u honey. dont resist or struggle and it'll be over fast. we can get through this. i love u honey.

woman: dear, that man wasn't kissing me, he was whipsering to me saying he's gay and told me ur butt is sexy. he asked me he's huge and asked for some vaseline and i told him its in the toilet. Be strong honey, i love u too

[cr3am]

meh

[Hobbes874]

ROFL yian those are halarious :D hahahaa gooooood stuff. I'm not a fan of texas they overrun the ski areas in colorado it drives me crazy!!!!
-Why is New Mexico so dry.......because Texas sucks. BAHAHAA
-Why is New Mexico so windy.....because texas blows!! Bahaha
those were terrible i know :(

[NiSythe]

The worst of the worst is why does New Mexico smell
Because Texas stinks.
That one made me want to cry, what a discrase

[Hobbes874]

Kill me now........................

[SaintDL]

qns: Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
ans: They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet. (get it?)


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

(i like this below best)
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.


Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''



A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?''
The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''

[SaintDL]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[SaintDL]

Big Testicles

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

[portzebie]

that was a good joke

[Bluu]

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of first grade
pupils. "Johnny what
is your problem?'
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third
grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough, so she took Johnny to the
Principal's office. The
Principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and
if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave
himself.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times
three?" "Nine Sir."

"How much is nine times six?" "Fifty four."

And so it went on with every question the Principal
thought a third grade
pupil should know.

The Principal looked at Ms Brooks and said "I think
Johnny can go to third
grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the Principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The
Principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked

"What does a cow have four of that I have only two
off?" Johnny, after an
moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?" "Pockets" said
Johnny in a flash.

"Ok, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants" said Johnny just as
quick

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut"

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky ?" The
Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer,
Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does
on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK. First
one.

You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get
me up and I get wet
before you do"
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"Ok, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best
man always has me first."
By this time the Principal was looking restless and a
bit tense. But Johnny
was on the ball with "Wedding Ring."

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you
feel good" "Nose"

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I
come with a quiver."
"Arrow"

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an
F and ends in K, and
means a lot of heat and excitement?" " Firetruck,
Ma'am!"

The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, "Send him
to university, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

[cr3am]

Originally posted by Bluu
The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, "Send him
to university, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!" ROFL

[portzebie]

OMFG ROFL:D :D

[Yian]

That was one of the best jokes ever! I heard some variations on different topics but this one is probably the most original. Good job portzebie!

[SaintDL]

All I Want Is a Beer!

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[SaintDL]

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

[SaintDL]

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.

She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

[SaintDL]

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[wangstramedeous]

How about this one?

Why are camels so full of Arab semen?

Because they keep raping them.


I have nothing againsts Arab but I found this one funny.

[SaintDL]

you find that funny? that a lame joke and you have sumthing against arab. in fact the last line u said is the only thing funny about ur joke.

and btw congrats you just killed the post

[Odm]

Thhat brings us to our next point, don't do drugs.

[F4LLeN]

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

[F4LLeN]

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

[SaintDL]

not funny, meh!

[cr3am]

you know that saying "Give a man a fish, feed him one day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for his whole life."

well:
"Sell a man a fish, feed him a day. Teach a man to fish, lose your best customer."


"Confuscious say: man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with sticky finger"

[SaintDL]

Skin Canoes
Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. "You have two choices of death," says the chief. "We either will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes." The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself. The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest. "I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!"

[blind_mad_cow]

the first one: Ancient prophacy says: baseball wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk!

the second one: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

the third one: Man who farts in church, sits on own pew.

the fourth one: Man who goes fishing in other mans well only catches crabs. :D

im sure some of you have heard these.

[Odm]

lol.... funny :D

[STDStud]

That was pretty good Mad Cow :D

[aleincaveman]

This is your asshole now.... o

This is your asshole in prison... O

[SaintDL]

excuse me but what was that suppose to mean? i dun get the point of ur joke? care to point it out?

[Downfall]

*slaps self in face*

*sigh*

[F4LLeN]

it means you get lots of bum sex in prison....

[future man]

And it is targeted at you and you alone SaintDL.

[SaintDL]

OH!!! bwahahahahahahahahahahaha ROFL!!!!! GOD i actually missed the point of the joke... HOT DAMn!!!!

[aleincaveman]

Believe in ghost?
These dumb asses do.

:D

There was a beer party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain. These two drunk, young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.

They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits,"What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette!"

"Well give him one! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "Dude!, what did you think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know?

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!", the passenger yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?":D

[SaintDL]

ROLF

here's another joke from our country. there's a superstition between chinese in our country that if you drive along the road late at night and see something/someone on the road that seemed like deja vu, you had better pretend nothing is wrong and step on it.

now here's my story.(not a joke but whether its true or not i dont know. heard it from my friend)

one group of teenagers going to malaysia for holiday are coming back by car during late night. as they're driving from malaysia they saw one weird little man by the side of the road. he's cycling and seem to be looking inside the car. the teenagers made fun of him at first and one of them said: lookie that little man! lets race him!"
so they step on it and have him left behind.

awhile later they see the same little man cycling alonmg the road. they made nothing of it and drove on.
then they see the little man for the third time. they were shocked, and althought tensions araise, nobody spke a word.
then there he is, the little man in front of their truck. they remember the old tale(note my first paragraph) and step on it.
BANG! they heard. after some time one of their friends said. hey... what if he's not a ghost? so they drove back... but much to their horror they dont find any bodies. the news did not report of anyone dying on that road. my friend was in the car. creepy eh?

now something fun now. another group was driving on the causeway joking, telling ghost stories. one said"YO! you guys heard of the road ghost? at night?"
"yeah"
then the smartalex said"be careful, make sure u dont wander yours eyes much or else.... hahahahaha"
there was a short silence after what he said.

after about 20minutes of driving in the dark, they saw this lady in black dress. now a lady walking in full black suit at night is a scary scene. but they made nothign of it. then after few minutes they see another lady dressed in black in front of their car. the whole group notice the wi4erd deja vu. the driver's friends ask him to step on it and just keep driving.
and he did...."BANG!!!"
the group was arrested for murder the following week....

so the story tells us, ...erm.... i dunno. what do you make of it? lol

[IkYiolul]

haha, good one, but how fast they are going ruins the truth of the joke..should just leave it out.

[aleincaveman]

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?" The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend." "Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!" :D :D :D

[Shadow]

hahah classic... gold.

[future man]

gold my ass...

[SaintDL]

i love u alien, brings the post back to life!!!

here's mine.

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

[shlumpen]

Ok this is my favorite blonde joke:

Three blondes walk into a bar.
The fourth one ducks.

[SaintDL]

i dun get it

[wangstramedeous]

Bar - not an actual bar where you drink but a bar as in a straight piece of metal

[aphremen]

I'm not too good at jokes but how about a riddle?

What does one take into the desert?









Everything that is necessary and nothing else.

It is one of the riddles we Fremen use to teach our children how to think. :)

[SaintDL]

lol
ok good, now here's another riddle
if there's a lion and a tiger ready to jump at you at the same time eager to eat you up, which one do you shoot.
*note you only have enough time and ammo for one shot*


ans: shoot yourself, at least it wont hurt as much as having a beast eating you while your alive.

[aleincaveman]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce. While on the stand on day in court, Mickey's lawyer walks up to him and says "Mr. Mouse, isn't it true that you said your wife was mentally incompetent?"
Mickey started shaking his head no. "Mentally incompetent?" said Mickey "I never said she was mentally incompetent, I said she was f*cking Goofy.":D :D :D :D

[SaintDL]

fuck shit fucking goofy is scary

[comlink]

Originally posted by IkYiolul
haha, good one, but how fast they are going ruins the truth of the joke..should just leave it out.

Well, actually, your speedometer is based on the output shaft speed of your transmission, so if your wheels were spinning in mud, you could see some crazy high speeds. Take a FWD automatic transmission car, jack the front end up, put it in neutral, and start the car. Be amazed as the speedo goes up to about 40 MPH without you doing anything:)

[aleincaveman]

:D :D These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out
o dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The redhead said nothing but reached under her skirt, removed her
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said,
"Now THAT'S a good date!" :D :D

[SaintDL]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD CLASSIC. MORE MORE

[RAY16]

Heres some, i'm not sure if they have been posted before, and i'm too lazy to go look. So don't get all pissy if they have been posted already.


Top FBI Agent:

The FBI was looking for their top agent and they narrowed their choice down to three people, two guys and a girl. The brought in the first guy to give him his ultimate assignment. They brought him the room and they said "Look, for your ultimate test you hafta take this gun, go in that room and shoot your wife. She's sitting on a chair in there." The guy looked at them in disbelief and said, "I...I can't do that." The FBI agents bring in the next guy and give him the mission. The guy takes the gun, walks in the room and comes back out and hands them the gun and says "I can't do that. I'm sorry. I can't shoot my wife." So the FBI agents bring in the girl and they tell her that she hasta go in and shoot her husband. She looks at the agents to make sure they're serious, takes the gun and walks in the room. Then you hear six shots ring out. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then shit starts crashing all aroung the room. CRASH BANG BOOM. After everything is quiet she came out of the room. The FBI guys asked "What the hell happened?!" She said "some dumbass loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny on the bus:

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting
right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my
daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby
lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.

After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and
said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your
mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a
bus driver."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can you help me?" "Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask your mum if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen.

"Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mum looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her the same question.

"Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah..." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing. "For a million bucks? What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click...

"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality." "What did you learn son?" "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts and a fag!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too,"

But she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need. "Oh, really," he says, " so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman!
--------------------------------------------------------------------

[SaintDL]

riddles for you guys

what do you get when you cross a elephant and a rhino?

[cr3am]

"my wife's ass"?

[SaintDL]

ell-if-i-no(hell if i know or elepino)

isnt very funny but its something to keep you guys guessing. guess not much people like to guess around here

[SaintDL]

now if anyone thinks this joke is kinda racist i apologise. but the joke of this thing is about my country. and i dont think a small joke outta my beloved country will hurt that much. now allow me to explain myself before hand. i believe some of you have heard this word"kiasu" or maybe you have not heard of it. its a local term. meaning "afraid to lose". Particularly in business, no one in singapore will do somthing they know it is a win for the opposition, and a total lose for themselves. but i think out of Singapore, people with brains will do the same too. so i hereby begin my joke.

3 men end up in a tribal village in a thick, dense jungle. the tribesmen are brutal and unfriendly. they were bent on killing the 3 men. the 3 people are as follows:
1 american marine full of pride and honour and absolutely fearless.
1 japanese samurai with pride and honour too. also fearless.
lastly, 1 singaporean businessman.(not exactly brave, nothing to be particularly proud of, and not much honour anyways)

tribe leader: you 3! listen up! we kill you in humiliation! or you die yourself in whatever way honourable in your homelands. whatever ways! your skins are to be made into our cannoes!

the marine, a soldier at heart, takes out his gun(which has only one bullet) and shot hmself.
his last words----"As a proud American marine, i will not die under the hands of the likes of you bastards!!!"

the samurai, asked the tribe for a sword and commit sepukku. his last words----"By the honour of Samurais, you shalt have my body but never the Soul."

the singaporean geek went to the kitchen, kindly ask for a fork. then return to the tribal chief. then repeatedly, stabs the fork all over his body. hard and fast. and mutilated himself all over. becoming a hideous beehive before he died.
his last words?
"I HOPE YOUR CANNOE SINKS &^gt&i^%$^%$^!!!!!!!" *GIVES FINGER*

[SaintDL]

i sure hope my joke doesnt piss off the other singaporean arund here. i fear his dark powers.

[aleincaveman]

How do you know when a boy becomes a man in Iraq?



When their diaper moves from their ass to their head:D :D

[SaintDL]

why do iraqi loyalist shave their pubic hair clean?

they dun like bush. get it?

[cr3am]

how many times have i heard that joke repeated in a different way?

[SaintDL]

infinite times

[SaintDL]

what do you get when you cross pizza and shit?

piza' shit