Bad and horible jokes that you could go to hell for....maybe

[Downfall]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?


........Shoulda learned the first time

[Phoosh]

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
The neighbour's dog playing with your kid

[Odm]

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a cadillac?

I don't have a cadillac in my garage.

(I'm definitely going to hell for that)

[Downfall]

Why dont women need umbrellas?


Cus it diesnt rain between the kitchen and the bedroom

[blind_mad_cow]

What is the difference between salt and dead babies?...




you cant F*ck salt.

(hell....im sure):(

[Phoosh]

A man takes his wife to the Doctor.
The doctor says "Well, your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimers"
The man says "Can't you tell the difference, doctor?"
To which the doctor replies "They're both very similar in the early stages"
The man thinks, and asks the Dr. "What should I do, doc?"
The doctor responds "Well sir, on your way home, kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

[cr3am]

What does Pontiac stand for?

Poor
Old
N***er
Thinks
It's
A
Cadillac



Why shouldn't you buy your wife a watch?
There's a clock on the oven


Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? What was she doing outside of the kitchen??!?

[WhoGivesARatsAss]

Whats the Height of Sophistication?

Sucking Boobs with a straw..

Whats the height of Pain?

Sliding down a blade naked and landing in a pool of aftershave..

Dont you just hate these Height of ... Fuck I forgot em all now Damn

[SaintDL]

what do you say to a blonde in the hospital with no arms and legs
ans: nice titts!!!

what does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
ans: get out the stranger's car, dress up outside the car and go home

what does a blonde do first thing she woke up in bed
ans:find out who the man beside her is

2 blondes went for a movie
blonde1:hmm.. mmh...
blonde2:what?
blonde1:mh...the man beside me is mhh... jerking off
blonde2:oh what the... aint like u didnt seen it
blonde1:mmm...he's using my mouth!!!

what does blondes say in upper class parties
ans: hey mdm, how do you think of my boob job?

a blonde went into the bar and ask for a cup of blowjob(some bar actually have drinks called that)
the bartender jump over the bar and feed her nice.

a blonde housewife ask u over to her house for cookies and milk and see her new cat her kids bought.
you went over and take a look at her pussy, take care of it, drank some milk from her, pack up the cookies and go home.

a blonde jus reached her birthday, she takes out a measuring tape to measure if her boobs grown any.

a blonde stepped on a sewer cap and fell as the sewer cap gave way.
a sound emerge from the hole: damn... must be the new boob job


dats all fer today's blondie joke

[cr3am]

saint, blondes are known for being dumb, not sluts :rolleyes::rolleyes:

i'm sorry but you must be REALLY ignorant

[Bluu]

i have proof about what cr3am said...

how do u know a blonde has used your computer?








the joystick is wet...

[Smapdey]

Dude, Blondes are typically slutty too. I've seen it happen.

[cr3am]

not typically, you just prolly don't have many brunets

[Magical Fruit]

Why was the blondes belly button all bruised??





Her boyfriend was blonde too.

[cr3am]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Odm]

Here's the lamest joke of all time:

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

[SaintDL]

a blonde walk along the street and saw her friend

blonde:hi
friend: hi
blonde: gotta go
friend:bye


bwahahahahahaha(?). so that wasnt a joke but thats why it a lame joke. sucker!!!!

[DePh1Le]

Whats the best part about having sex with a 12 year old in the shower....








you can slick her hair back and make her look 8.




Whats better than having sex with an 8 year old.















Nothing............









Hell here I come!

[cr3am]

NO! having sex with a dead baby... ewww, ugh, i can't believe i just wrote that :eek: :mad: :eek:

[Freakonaleash89]

yeah I cant believe you just wrote that you should edit it to keep this site "respectable"

[cr3am]

what was illegal or racist about what i just wrote?

[Downfall]

Im glad i started this thread...these are pretty good

[Hobbes874]

Originally posted by Odm
Here's the lamest joke of all time:

What's brown and sticky? A stick.
soooo lame yet sooo funny :D :D :D, but boy these jokes are so terrrible in taste :eek: ....... yet funny! Odm i love that joke hahahahaaaa!! can't.........stop.......laughing.......

[cr3am]

y0 mama's so fat, that she's obese

[portzebie]

my best non racist joke with changed names to go with AT 3 men are stranded on an island Smapdey Bluu and cr3am they are trying to find a way off the island when they come across a group of natives they ask the natives for a way off the island they said "we will provide a boat to who ever can complete this task if you don't we kill you and eat your body" each of them had to go find a fruit each a different fruit and collect 10 of this fruit and bring it back here within an hour so the three leave to go find their fruit the first back is Bluu he has 10 pears they natives told him that he has to get all 10 of these pears up your ass without moving or making any sounds. so they start 1 2 3 4 5 by this time it is really starting to hurt Bluu makes it up to 7 before he screams in pain so they kill him next to come back was Smapdey he has ten bananas they tell him to drop his pants and begin Smampdey also makes it up to 5 no prob they keep on going 6 7 8 9 then he just looses control and moves so they kill him up in heaven Bluu and Smapdey meet each other in line wating to get in Bluu turns to Smap and says what happened you were doing great man Smap says I saw cr3am coming back with 10 pineapples!:D

[cr3am]

port, use QUOTES, and commas, and period, and new lines :rolleyes:

also, you did the joke wrong. they all have to put up ten fruits, without laughing, and they both start cracking up because the Mexican is holding pineapples... either way it's not the greatest :(



How can you get four gay guys to sit on a barstool?


turn it upside down:eek:

[Odm]

Four fathers go golfing, and then they visit a bar afterwards to sit and talk.

The first one brags, "My son's the CEO of a hardware company. He's so generous he gave the person he's going out with an entire computer for free."

The second one boasts, "My son's really good in the stock market. He's so generous, he gave the person he's going out with a portfolio of tech stocks and their price has rocketed!"

The third one says, "My son's a prestiguos car dealer. He gave the person he's going out with a brand new ferrari!"

The fourth one says, "My son's gay."

All the other fathers say, "Oh, that's too bad. I'm glad mine isn't gay."

The fourth one replies, "Oh well, he can't be doing to badly. He just got a new car, computer, and he has some really good stocks!"

[cr3am]

that wasn't even funny in any way. damn, this thread is turning horrible.

[Hobbes874]

I think this thread is making me dumber :( these are getting to be sooo dumb!!

[Freakonaleash89]

Thats why its called bad and horrible jokes that you could go to hell for.

[Downfall]

....maybe

[Phoosh]

What lies absolutely still while being sexually abused for fear of horrible painful death?
Give up?
Then come to my van.

[Smapdey]

What's the difference between a dick and a sandwich?

Give up?

Come to my house after work today.

[cr3am]

What's the difference between smapdey and a bad joke?

.......

[Phoosh]

Bad jokes aren't hung like bulls....oh...that was a rhetorical question..nevermind.

[cr3am]

no, there was no response... "nothing" was in the response

[Freakonaleash89]

What is black and white and read all over??

Give up?

A newspaper



What has six wheels and flys??

Give up?

A garbage truck

[Hobbes874]

Originally posted by cr3am
What's the difference between smapdey and a bad joke?

.......
not much BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.....j/k but smap's joke didn't make sense to me............

[SaintDL]

you expect pretty much many thigns to make sense here?

specially when this is joke section. and its smapdey. heh heh.

what looks like mud, taste like shit and looks disgusting?

dunno? then come to my scat party tonight...

[SaintDL]

whats the difference between phoosh and sixw00ter?

*ban* Bang* bam bam* punch* whoosh(flaming sound)*

aww..... save me... they're at it again.... ouch.....



...
..
BANG!

[cr3am]

not funny :mad::D

[SaintDL]

a man goes to business trip overseas by plane

the plane crashes and somehow he is the only survivor in a dense thick overgrown forest.

he finds his way out. eventually find tracks of civillisation. he follows the tracks and reach a tribal village. the tribal men are looking very hostile and certainly dun like im at all.

they tied him up. brought him to the leader.

leader: u only have two choices, we dun like visitors. DIE, or be humiliated.

man thinks that dying isnt a good idea so he say: humiliation

so the leader signals his lackeys and out come 2 fat ugly. fatter then sumo wrestler and u can see that layer of oil dripping from their skins. the tribal men are fair but the ladies appear dark and thats cos of dirt not natural. so the two fatass bed him after and after again until the next day.

the leader then pats him on the shoulder, and point to a direction and say: go that way

man follows and return to his home. got rescued.

10 years later he comes on holiday overseas and planes crashges again.
he ends up in same forest and he made his way to th same village thinking since he aint stranger now so maybe they be friendlier.

but same story he got caught.
leader: two choices, die or be humiliated.
man thinks back, he cna never forget the humiliation. he rather die.
man:kill me, fuckers. kill me. i rather die... in honour....

leader jumps in delight. shouting "BRAVE MAN!!!!!!"
he orders his lackeys to give the man best treatment. best food and accomodation. the man was so suprised. he regret not choosing death the first time. he enjoy so much he sleeps.

next day he was all ready to move out. leader stops him.
leader:about ur choice we have to carry it out, i'm sorry but rules' rule.
man have enjoy his day in honour so he was pretty easy with it.
man: ok... i guess this is what i chose after all...

so the leader signals, and out come a platoon of Fatass more horrid then the first time.

leader: they will not stop until u die, good luck...

[cr3am]

ROFL HAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BAHAHAHAHHAA

IMAGINE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE!! HAHAHHAAHHAHAHA

[SaintDL]

glad u like it

[SaintDL]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[SaintDL]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

[portzebie]

How big is Jesus's penis?


Some of the Roman soligers who witnessed his death said he was hung like this . look at picture

[Downfall]

not funny...........:rolleyes::D ......hell for you

[NiSythe]

YOU SHALL BURN IN THE FIRERY DEEPS UNTILL THE DAY I LAUGH AT THAT JOKE,plus i dont get it

[portzebie]

I know I am going to hell for this my sis told me it The pic is the only way to do the joke online look at his hands stick your hands out like jesus and say he was hung like this get good now leave me alone to burn alone in hell:( oh how it burns !

[portzebie]

I know the representation is bad if someone can find a better pic to finish the jkoke please tell me!

[SaintDL]

so... you mean he's trying to represent his own size that way?
or what?

[portzebie]

sort of when you tell the joke to someone you extend your arms out like jesus had and and sya he was hung like this ! its the representaation of you doing it that makes people laugh I think this is the only pic I could Find that I thought made the joke tellable online guess I was wrong?

[SaintDL]

sure is... any new jokes, portzebie? its getting quite boring... nobody looks at my jokes. i have hell lots more. but i guess... oh well...

[Downfall]

to be truly going to hell people could do dead baby jokes.....not that i am sayign they should...just that they could if they really wanted to go to hell......

[aleincaveman]

Ok you wanted a dead baby joke.



Whats easyer to load in a truck?


Bricks or dead babys?



Dead babys. You can use a pitch fork.


Now whares my ticket to hell?

[Downfall]

your in line after me...i started this thread



Why did the dead baby cross the road?


Because it was stapled to the chicken.....


Next person for hell?......

[aleincaveman]

If u fell out of a plane at 10,000 feet. Out of these two choices, what would u rather land on?

1 A pile of rocks?

2 r a pile of dead babys?


Don't ask me to hold your hand downfall. Cause I'm right beside ya.

[Odm]

Originally posted by aleincaveman
If u fell out of a plane at 10,000 feet. Out of these two choices, what would u rather land on?

1 A pile of rocks?

2 r a pile of dead babys?


Don't ask me to hold your hand downfall. Cause I'm right beside ya.
A pile of rocks, you're dead anyways...

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because George Bush wanted to bomb it. Ok, so it's not funny...

[aleincaveman]

No I think he was trying to get away from that bottle rocket stuck up his ass.:D

[RADiator]

And all that talk about god and stuff damn if you belive in hell than you belive in god. Nice jokes though how about making it a sticky?

[unskinnybob]

Hitler calls his frontman. "Ghestapo" the Furher says, "Today I want you to kill 200 Jews and 3 clowns". Ghesapo remains silent for a second and asks "Mine Furher, why the 3 clowns?" to which Hitler replies "Because no one gives a fuck about the jews anymore".

[unskinnybob]

If you wake up with a condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone? No? Wanna go camping?

[aleincaveman]

WTF!! From where I sit, I'm already in hell. :D

[Downfall]

no one has matched the dead baby jokes yet.........

[future man]

whats long round and in your ass....ME!

[aleincaveman]

Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.

Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.

Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.

Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A: A live one.

Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes

Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!



Thats sick!

[Downfall]

no fair!...you cut in from of me!

[aleincaveman]

Did you hear about the little boy who came running into the house with blood all over his hand? He went running up to his mother saying 'Mommy, Mommy! You were right! Babies do have soft spots in the top of their heads!'

[SaintDL]

those babies joke were gruesome and disgusting. not to my liking. jokes were supposed to be funny. goddamn this is inhumane how can anyone come up with "jokes" like this?

[unskinnybob]

Whats white, stiff, with blue veins and drives a woman crazy in the morning? Cradle death

[Smapdey]

LOL!!

[Downfall]

SaintDL

those babies joke were gruesome and disgusting. not to my liking. jokes were supposed to be funny. goddamn this is inhumane how can anyone come up with "jokes" like this?

Thats why I named this thread Bad and horible jokes that you could go to hell for....maybe
:D

[Smapdey]

Some of those jokes I can't even fucking read they're so bad (Grammatically).

[SaintDL]

Grammar Freak!!!!
Damn Smapdey i betcha got an affair with your english teacher!

[Smapdey]

You're dealing with a guy that will use semi-colons in his instant messages. I just like it when it's easy to read, and besides, if I "wrote" like you did, I don't think a soul would come to this site, ever.

My english teacher is alright, she doesn't understand what I'm thinking a lot of the time (For example, in an upcoming project where we have to create our own version of Hamlet, I want to call it Camlet and have the queen be a camel and Hamlet look like Joe Camel. I also want to have certain scenes in pure black and white with white subtitles as the actors will be speaking hungarian).

[SaintDL]

Owww Smapdey you broke my heart.i mean havent you ever been to irc?

my english degraded ever since i went there

[Kain]

Heres one doubt itl get me to hell seeing i dont believe in it

A mother was standing in the kitchen when she notices her son timmy is heading for the front gate, she cuts him off and say "timmy where are you going?" and timmy replies "im going to the Brothel"
The mother replies "Timmy a brothel is no place for little boys now go and play with your toys" so timmy goes of to play with his toys
Minuts later the mother sees her son heading to the gate agian,
"Timmy"! "where are you going?" "To the Brothel" the mother smacks timmy and says "Timmy iv told you the brothel is no place for boys no go to your room"
"Alright then" timmy replies "dad can get his own fucking Hat!"

hope you enjoyed iv got more if you want?

[Kain]

What does a woman do after she leaves the battered women shelter
ANS:The Dishes if she knows whats good for her

How do you know a blondes been on your computer?
Ans" theres shit on the joy stick, white out on the screen, wrighting on the white out, a cup in the CD Rom and some cheese next to the mouse

what do you call a blonde with two brain cells
ANS: Pregnant, Lucky, Gifted

What do you call a blonde who dies her hair Brown?
Ans: Artificial Intelegence.

damn i had a print out of over 700 Blonde jokes il just have to find it again......

[unskinnybob]

Just remembered another good ol' sick one...

Q. How do you fuck a hamster?
A. Rap him with masking-tape so he doesn't burst open.

Q. What do you call a hamster walking down the corridor with a roll of masking-tape under his arm?
A. Horny.

[Kain]

did you hear about that gay couple and the german cannon ball[ oh this is a true story]?

[NiteX]

most of these jokes are just flat out wrong, horribly sick and shamefully disgesting. how could you people even think about killing babies? esp. with a pitchfork.....LOL im sorry i just couldnt hold it in LOL!!!! thats some of the funnist shit i have heard in the longest time... althought very sick and wrong... i cant help but laugh my ass off....

[SaintDL]

how's this joke. i was scratching my balls when a car with family of 4 drive infront of me and stopped. with the whole family looking at my in awe.


moral of this joke: never scratch your nutz in public even though you think it's safe.

[Yian]

not just a joke but a true story.... :p

[Bobz0r]

I stood on the corner of the street waiting for the crosswalk to light up and scratched my balls on one of the busiest intersections in my town.... It was a great scratching... people just stared

[Slipknot]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."



__________________________________________________ __

What not to say to a naked guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

__________________________________________________ __

Rodeo Sex

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[Slipknot]

I have more if you want :o)


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

__________________________________________________ __

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

__________________________________________________ __

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

[Slipknot]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
__________________________________________________ __

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
__________________________________________________ __

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."

The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.

He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

__________________________________________________ __

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

__________________________________________________ __

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

__________________________________________________ __

[TRUCKIN]

copy, paste, copy paste, oh btw your sig doesnt make sense.

[Slipknot]

Do you have a problem with my copy and paste? its not like the others made up all of their jokes eh?

Dont mess with me Im just here to read post and hangout. I dont want to fight over the net because its dumb.

[TRUCKIN]

Originally posted by Slipknot
Do you have a problem with my copy and paste? its not like the others made up all of their jokes eh?

Dont mess with me Im just here to read post and hangout. I dont want to fight over the net because its dumb. I don't have a problem with copy and pasting.

[Slipknot]

Ok then back to the topic.:D

[Kain]

Slipknot im sorry to say im very dissapointed with your previous posts....[ nah only jokeing] These are supposed to be horrible jokes so far all of yours have been pretty good.

Oh your sig isnt it the lyrics to a song? oh and where did you get all the jokes from?.

[Downfall]

if all else fails just resort to dead baby jokes...i.e.....whats the difference between a a pile of rocks and a pile if dead babies?



you cant use a pitch fork to move rocks

[Slipknot]

I get them from here (http://thejokeyard.com)

And yes My sig is from a song, One of the Slipknot songs... someone else has one too, i forgot who tho.

[Hitman]

Q. whats better than tying a baby to your bumper and crashing?


A. Putting the baby on your tire and peeling out.

[Downfall]

copy and paste time...oh yeah

Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A1: Fill a glass with root beer, and add a scoop of ice cream and a scoop of
dead baby.
A2: One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby.
(If on a diet use only one scoop)
A3: Add 8 ounces of Coke-Cola with 2 scoops of dead baby.
A4: Take your foot off its head.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!

[Downfall]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.

[Downfall]

Q1: How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
Q2: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A1: La' Machine!
A2: Use a blender

Q: How do you get it out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos

[Downfall]

Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

[Downfall]

Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full
of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork

Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck
load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.

Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.

Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.

Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.

Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A: A live one.

Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes

Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!

[Downfall]

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.

Q: What is the definition of revenge?
A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

[Downfall]

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....

SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

or

A woman is lying in her hospital bed after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

When the baby is born, the nurse looks at the mother and says
with a sad voice I am sorry, but your baby is stillborn.

MAD with sorrow the mother THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He wasn't DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

[Downfall]

1. Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent."

Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
to buy 144 of them."

Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

2. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

3. Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

4. Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

5. It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

[Downfall]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

[Downfall]

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

[Downfall]

This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the
convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has
his way.
Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
me twice, unless you're tired."

[Downfall]

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Do you know why elephants paints their toenails red?
No, why?
So that noone will see them sitting in the cherry trees.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
Precisely!

Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
See, it works!!!

How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.

What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.

[Downfall]

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

[Downfall]

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? No? Well, it must work.

[Downfall]

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant? Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Check the custard.

[Downfall]

How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge? Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back

How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.

How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? Depends on the number of elephants.

What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover? The sun roof.

The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why? They were stuck in the VW bug.

How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug? None, the elephants are in there!

[Downfall]

What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.

Why do elephants have long trunks? Because sheep don't have strings.

What do elephants use for condoms? Snakes.

What do elephants use for vibrators? Epileptic pigmies.

How do you know when an elephant has its period? There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is an elephant's sex organ? His foot; if he steps on you, you're screwed!

[Downfall]

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am? Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why are pygmies so short? Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

What's that red stuff between elephants toes? Slow pygmies.

[Downfall]

What is the height of ambition? An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

[Kain]

A wife laying in bed suddenly realises that her husband isnt beside her so she gets up puts on her robe and makes her way down stairs.
When she gets to the kitchen thers her husband sitting at the table with a cofee, hes staring at the wall for a long time before he sips his cofee and notices his wife

Your up late he asks her, She Replies"well you werent in bed, Whats worrying you?".

Well the husband stops looks at her and says, "Remeber when we first met?" The words where not comming easily, Yes yes i rember"

And you rember how we where in the bake seat makeing love when your father caught us, "Yes" and rember how he shoved his shotgun im my face and said "Your either gonna mary my daughter or your goin to jail for twenty years".

With a tear running down his cheek he says, "I would have gotten out today".

[cr3am]

[n00b moment]OH MY GOD THAT WAS A GREAT JOKE![/n00b moment]

[Th3 ProphetMan]

whats the height of sadism?














...............giving a shaving blade to a fool and telling him it's a harmonica.

(hope i have explained well, my english sux xDDD)

[cr3am]

Originally posted by Th3 ProphetMan
(hope i have explained well, my english sux xDDD) Don't worry about it, I fixed up one small typo for yah... btw, lol nice joke

[SaintDL]

sho is. keep 'em cumming

[Th3 ProphetMan]

thx for the correction cream :p

[Kain]

Originally posted by Th3 ProphetMan
thx for the correction cream :p

Where can you buy those? :D

[SaintDL]

Originally posted by Kain
Where can you buy those? :D

buy what?

[Downfall]

dead babys

[SaintDL]

dead babies can be bought anywhere?

they make comestic products from dead infants several years ago.

[Kain]

must be good products :]

[oh and i was asking where you can get the "Correction Cr3am" does that come in a tube or bottle :D]

[SaintDL]

alright another real life joke i can go to hell for.

i'm eating alotta beans that day and have a bad gas problem.
i'm trying to hide it hard cos its not very crowded and opnce that amount of gas released ita loud. i got it settled by going to the restroom couple of times. but then i found its way out when i was on the escalator. going up. so everyone behind me goes like. "AWWWWWWWWWWW"

[SaintDL]

aye so thats not so good

[RAY16]

>>: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
>>: Not being retarded
>>
>>: What's blue and fucks old people?
>>: Hypothermia
>>
>>: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of
>>thebattered wives' shelter?
>>: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
>>
>>: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
>>: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
>>
>>: What is the definition of "making love"?
>>: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
>>
>>: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
>>: They don't fucking listen.
>>
>>: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
>>: Gonorrhoea
>>
>>: Why did God create yeast infections?
>>: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating
>>cunt once in a while too.
>>
>>: How can you tell a macho woman?
>>: She rolls her own tampons.
>>
>>: Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
>>: Better traction in the mud.
>>
>>. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
>>: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
>>
>>. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
>>: Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13
>>years old.
>>
>>. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>>: Marry it.
>>
>>. What do you get when you cross two black people?
>>: Your ass kicked.
>>
>>. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>>: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>>
>>. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
>>: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
>>
>>. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
>>: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty
>>miles an hour.
>>
>>. Why do women call it PMS?
>>: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>>
>>. What's a mixed feeling?
>>: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
>>car.
>>
>>. What's the height of conceit?
>>: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>>
>>. What's the definition of macho?
>>: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
>>
>>. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
>>: The cake jumps out of the girl.
>>
>>. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
>>: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
>>
>>. How is pubic hair like parsley?
>>: You push it to the side before you start eating.
>>
>>. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
>>: You know she'll swallow.
>>
>>. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
>>same day in Iraq?
>>: They don't want to wear out the camel.
>>
>>: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>>: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
>>
>>: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>>: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>>
>>: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
>>bedtime?
>>: When the big hand touches the little hand...
>>
>>. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
>>house?
>>: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
>>
>>. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>>: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
>>
>>. Why is divorce so expensive?
>>: Because it's worth it.

[Downfall]

LOL...those are great!

[cr3am]

What do you tell a bitch with two black eyes?


Nothing, she's already been told twice.

[WhoGivesARatsAss]

LMAO Ray16

[Kain]

My arent these jokes heading into women abuse.. eh if there good, why stop em.

[Downfall]

theres a whole section in here some where about dead babys and abused women. ahh the thinks that make me smile...........

im going to hell anyway

[cr3am]

What's the nastiest thing you've heard all day?

there's a trashcan full of dead babies



What's even nastier?

the one at the bottom is eating his way to freedom

[Downfall]

can anything be worse that that?

Yes. Its hungry for more

[RAY16]

Originally posted by cr3am
What's the nastiest thing you've heard all day?

there's a trashcan full of dead babies



What's even nastier?

the one at the bottom is eating his way to freedom


If they are all dead how is one eating his way through?

OMFGZ!!! ZOMBIE BABY!!! OMFGZ!!!

[cr3am]

:rolleyes: I think that was implied! :p:p

[Leor Suer]

Do you feel bad....
Visit my site!!
There are jokes funny pictures/movies and more! :-D


http://www.outwar.com/page.php?x=1674045

[Odm]

Originally posted by Leor Suer
Do you feel bad....
Visit my site!!
There are jokes funny pictures/movies and more! :-D


http://www.outwar.com/page.php?x=1674045 Go away, idiot...

[Downfall]

you will not kill my thread damnit!!!!be gone!!

[Downfall]

ok
heres one that will surely give me one way ticket to the deepest levels of hell

what's the best thing about eating bald pussy?

Putting the diaper back on!

Hell here i come!!

[Shadow]

Arg... that hurt.

[Hobbes874]

The devil would be ashamed of that joke.......omg........THE IMAGES!!!

[Downfall]

we need an evil smile icon thingi

[Downfall]

whats the smartest thing thats ever come out of a womans mouth?




==Einsteins cock==

[Th3 ProphetMan]

damn the thread really makes honnor to its name :D

too bad i'm from spain all the good jokes i know are in spanish and too difficult to translate. :(

[Downfall]

damn the thread really makes honnor to its name

I try.:D

[Downfall]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body".
As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anal cavity of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the bottom of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at the students and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

[Downfall]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

[Chimera[NL]]

Originally posted by Downfall
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body".
As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anal cavity of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the bottom of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at the students and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

HAHAHA!!!

[Nephus]

ok, here's one of the worst jokes I've ever heard... (dunno if it's already on here or not.. too lazy to check)

How do you make a little kid cry twice? Wipe the blood off your dick onto their teddy bear.

[Downfall]

LOL!....dont worry its not in here

[Hobbes874]

That one hurt deep down. Ouch.

[Nephus]

literally! :D

[Downfall]

A very attractive woman

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room

[REBEL_AU]

Q. how do you make a hormone









A. punch her in the back of the head

[Downfall]

i almost forgot about this thread!!

nice one :D

[REBEL_AU]

yeah, i like joke threads.
BTW. why is this in the Flame Bin?

[Downfall]

if someone makes a bad joke you can flame em :)

these are suposed to be disgusting/sick/perverted jokes anyway. I had a dead baby streak for a while. i havent posted in here in a while so i dont even remember what jokes i have or havent put in here

[REBEL_AU]

yeah, you cant get much sicker than some of the shit you posted :)

[ihateyou]

one time i shot this guy..(it was just a joke)... he died right on the spot, ROFL... those were the days. :)

[Shadow]

WTF?!? :confused:

[Hobbes874]

What did the woman say to Micheal Jackson at the beach












I believe your in my sun.

[xenophage]

What's the wettest animal in the world??





A raindeer.

[Dying_Corpse]

Originally posted by xenophage
What's the wettest animal in the world??





A raindeer.

LOL

[Downfall]

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the discharge is from the ear.






The other morning I woke up and quickly noticed that I had no feeling in my left hand. Have you ever had that happen where you sleep on it wrong? Any way, I tried to move the fingers, and nothing happened. I reached over with my right hand and gave the skin on my left hand a little pinch. I couldn't feel a thing! Now I was starting to worry...

I reached over to the night stand and picked up a pin. I gave my left hand a sharp jab to see if I'd feel it. At that moment, my wife let out a scream! Thank goodness my hand was OK!

[xenophage]

A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.

"You mean right before he died?" sobbed the widow.

"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."

"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me, bitch! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"

[xenophage]

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

[xenophage]

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."

The boss says, "What's that?"

Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."

They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."

Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

[xenophage]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

[xenophage]

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

[xenophage]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Shadow]

The one about the pin in the wife's hand was classic!

[Downfall]

hehehe..those are great...come on people..i know all of you are sick twisted individuals..post you horible jokes. im already going to hell for my dead baby rant..i need company damnit!!

[Downfall]

John and Bill are talking one day and get on the conversation of a local whorehouse, John keeps going on and on about this one hooker there who can whistle while giving a blow job... Bill is quietly disbelieving while his friend keeps extolling the virtues of this specific girl...

A few days later Bill finds himself in the area of that whorehouse and can't help recalling what his friend had told him, and just can't get that off his mind. So he pulls around and goes into the whorehouse.

A few minutes later he's inside talking to the madam of the house. "Glad to meet you, we have every type of girl you can want here, just tell me what you like and I'll set it up" the madam says.

He explains about the hooker that can whistle while giving a blowjob, and the madam, makes a bit of a face and while shaking her head, points up the stairs "Third floor, fourth door on the right" she tells him, and up he goes.

After entering the room, he sits down on the bed, a few moments later in walks this fairly attractive woman, they start out talking, and a little bit later she's explaining prices and things to him, when he pops the question about the whistling blowjob.

"Oh, that.... all right, fine, that'll be $100"

"Ok" the man replies

And moments later the man is enjoying his blowjob and she begins whistling. The man is just AMAZED!! He stutters out " I, I, I I have GOT to know how you do that!!"

"Trust me, you don't want to know"

"Oh please, Come on, I'll double you price, that's $200 for one blowjob" he says

"No, trust me, you do NOT want to know"

"I absolutely have to..... $500!! PLEASE!!"

"Hrmmm, the money would be nice, but no, I think it would be best if you didn't know... Just trust me on this, you do NOT want to know" she explains...

By this point the man absolutely 'has' to know.... " Sheesh, Ok $1000 if you tell me how you're doing that"

She pauses for a moment (the blowjob has been continuing this whole time) "Ok, fine, but don't say I didn't warn you" The lady stops what she's doing, walks to the other end of the room, turns on the light, and........ there next to the man lies a glass eye.

[future man]

That's fucking hilarious.

[Downfall]

that one if for all you skull fuckers out there :)

[WhoGivesARatsAss]

O DEAR! ROFL!

[xenophage]

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

[xenophage]

A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."

She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"

"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."

[xenophage]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

[xenophage]

After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.

He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.

He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.

Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"

[Downfall]

hehehe..those are great LOL!!

[xenophage]

Just trying to keep the thread alive :p

[Downfall]

it will never die...NEVER!!!!!!!!

[xenophage]

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

[xenophage]

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

[xenophage]

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.

The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"

"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit."

"WHAT?? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"

Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.

The second guy (now gagging) said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!"

"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."

The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers.

"This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.

"It aint gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."

"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet.

The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers. In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.

"We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit??"

"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.

[xenophage]

Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss,can I sqeeze past you?"

"Why dont you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shit instead."

[xenophage]

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

[xenophage]

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, andw hen the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a chinese guy and he threw up on me."

[xenophage]

Hell here I come wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chimera[NL]]

OMG, you guys are so fucking sick. Those jokes were disgusting..



in other words: keep up the good work:D

[snubble.d]

Theres a blond, a red head and a brown haired chic in 3rd grade. Who has the biggest titts?
--blond, cuz shes 24years old.

Im from sweden, so take this as if youd have alot of annoying things in ya country...:
There was a turk, an american, and a swede...
They were on a sinking cruiser together and decided that they were to throw everything they had a disgusting and annoying amount of...
The American threw all his dollar off the boat to help it float, the turk threw all his herbs n spices off the boat to help it float...
The swede threw the turk off the boat. ^_^;;

[Downfall]

ahh..i love this thread..good stuff :)

[xenophage]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

[xenophage]

A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.

He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.'

So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.

The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.

[xenophage]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.

"How's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie"

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day!"

[xenophage]

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself"

[xenophage]

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.

The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:

The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

[xenophage]

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

What is it?

Don't look down.

[xenophage]

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass.

Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home.

All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in.

People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

[xenophage]

Micheal Jacksons' Neverland Ranch has been raided by police today.

Police found Class A drugs in his kitchen,

Class B drugs in his Living room

And Class 5c in his Bedroom

[xenophage]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and unsafe for children to play with, the other is to carry groceries.

[xenophage]

Q) What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A) A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q) How do you know when Michael Jackson is on a hot date?
A) There's a tricycle parked in his driveway.

Q) What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A) They both ride three year olds.

[xenophage]

Downfall dude post some jokes, it's getting lonely in hell :(

[ihateyou]

Originally posted by xenophage
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and unsafe for children to play with, the other is to carry groceries.

CLASSIC!!!!!!

[Downfall]

alright alright...ill post when i find some good enough :)

[xenophage]

Originally posted by Downfall
alright alright...ill post when i find some good enough :)

Sorted..
Btw is it cool if I post some funny pics here? cos the old thread with funny pics died away

[Downfall]

nah.....just make a new thread for the funnz pics.....this is bad jokes thread (one of the few threads that has stayed on topic:D )

[xenophage]

Originally posted by Downfall
nah.....just make a new thread for the funnz pics.....this is bad jokes thread (one of the few threads that has stayed on topic:D )

Screw the pics, post some of them sick jokes...
One last question though: Since I havent read the whole thread just wanna ask, have dead baby jokes been posted here?( cos I dont want to spam the thread with stuff ppl have already read )

[Downfall]

read the whole thing to find out, you know you will like it :)


but if your too lazy then yes i posted a lot of em a long time ago.

[pixelater]

What is black and white and red all over and has trouble getting through revolving doors?

- A nun with a spear stuck through her head!

[xenophage]

Originally posted by pixelater
What is black and white and red all over and has trouble getting through revolving doors?

- A nun with a spear stuck through her head!


lol :p

[xenophage]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

[xenophage]

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

[xenophage]

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

[xenophage]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[xenophage]

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

[REBEL_AU]

why couldn't hellen keller drive?
-
-
-
-
because she was a woman.

[xenophage]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

[xenophage]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[xenophage]

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other man asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for my urine test."

[xenophage]

It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby's head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it's penis and scrotum. The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it's arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.

She said, "April fools! He was dead already!"

[xenophage]

A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favour. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe....."

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday.

The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."

[xenophage]

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.


Why don't men trust women?

Would you trust anything that bled for three days and didn't die?


What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

[Downfall]

It's prom night and our poor girl, lets call her Sally, has just been dumped by her boyfriend. She is sitting at home, in her prom dress, completley dejected, watching Jerry Springer. Her brother walks in to the room and sees her like this and feels so bad for her. He says to her, "You know, if you weren't my sister, I'd take you to prom myself."

"Well, just for tonight," Sally says, "pretend you're not my brother."

He thinks it over it for a moment, and then decides it would be cool to take her. he runs upstairs, slips into his father's tuxedo, pulls Sally off the couch and takes her to prom.

How sweet, right?

So they have fun, dance with friends, take pictures, do the whole prom thing, just living it up. Yay.

On the way home in the car, Sally's brother finds himself looking over at her quite a bit. Now it has been quite a night. They've danced a lot, even had a bit to drink and ordinarily at this point in the evening, things would start to progress. And our man is thinking about this quite seriously.

"You know," he says to Sally, "if you weren't my sister, I'd be pretending to run out of gas right about now."

Sally pauses for a moment, then says, "Well, just for tonight, pretend you're not my brother."

After a brief thought, her brother turns the lights off, takes the car on to a deserted back road, and kills the engine. then, sitting there in the dark car with his sister, he says, "You know, if you weren't my sister, I'd take you in to the back seat and really show you a good time."

Well, just for tonight," Sally says, longingly, "pretend you're not my brother."

After a brief moment of thought, her brother okay's the next step, and they move to the back seat.

And he absolutley fucks her brains out. Smashes it like an Idaho potato.

Afterwards, Sally says, "Wow, you're much better than Dad."

"Yeah, that's what Mom always tells me."

[Downfall]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days.""Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?""Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[Downfall]

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

[Downfall]

A man and his wife are standing in the kitchen one day when suddenly he grabs her ass and says, "If you firm that up, we can get rid of all your huge panties."

The next day, he grabs her love handles and says, "If you firm that up, we can get rid of your girdle."

A couple nights later, they have a few friends over. After a few drinks, he grabs her breasts and says, "If you firm these up we can get rid of your bras."

She grabbed his crotch and said, "If you firm this up we can get rid of the mailman, the gardener, and your brother too."

[REBEL_AU]

lol, these are good.

[xenophage]

lol
That was some good shit df

[WhoGivesARatsAss]

ROFL Downfall!

[Downfall]

xenophage you had a couple pages of good stuff yourself :D

[xenophage]

Originally posted by Downfall
xenophage you had a couple pages of good stuff yourself :D

Just tryin to keep teh thread alive :D

[xenophage]

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

[xenophage]

http://www.laughnet.net/archive/jokes/deadbaby.htm


Didn't want to spam the boards with dead baby jokes that may have already be posted so here's a link fer people who have not already read them.

[xenophage]

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

[xenophage]

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair

[xenophage]

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.
Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[Downfall]

bah..spam with dead baby jokes!!..i did it once you can too...i wonder if i should repost em...a lot of people probably dont remember them anyway

[REBEL_AU]

i remember them, but there is no harm in reposting them.

[xenophage]

As you all wish!!

[xenophage]

What's red and dances all around?
A baby on a barbecue

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine's Day?
You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a
bouquet of roses up his ass.

What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ?
A Pedophiles ass.

What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it

What's the safest way to play with a baby ?
With a condom.

What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.

What is the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dog in its mouth.

How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.

[xenophage]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?
I don't know why they didn't either.

Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
So you can tell which ones are still alive.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

What's the difference between a lamp and a dead baby?
It's really easy to turn on a lamp.

What's small, and shiny, and blue?
A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

What's small, and red, and full of holes?
A baby on a bed of nails.

What do you call a baby on a stick?
A Kebabie.

How do you get a baby out of a tree?
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!

[xenophage]

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

[xenophage]

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[xenophage]

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

[xenophage]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."