Joke continued

[SaintDL]

Hired Help

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

[SaintDL]

How to Impress a Woman

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.

[Hobbes874]

SaintDL have you killed this thread already?

[Odm]

He did, until you posted... By the way, SaintDL, what was wrong with the first joke thread? Making another one is just stupid...

[SaintDL]

this is the SaintDL's joke corner. i figured i will flood too much in only one thread and people wont bother to look at them. so i open this up.

[Odm]

I like your logic.... instead of flooding one thread, you flood two nigh-identical ones...

[SaintDL]

good eh? i pretty proud of it

[SaintDL]

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

[Freakonaleash89]

ROTFL! #18 is great!

[aleincaveman]

Originally posted by SaintDL
How to Impress a Woman

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.


And remember that thier like the old stamps; You gotta lik um b4 u stik um, and also remember that if it's not good enough to lik then why u gonna stik um?

[SaintDL]

pls alien will ya change a avatar? i mean... its disturbing...

[aleincaveman]

I put that there so everyone could see what doing drugs would do to them. U know let them see what they could look like in a few years. Do drugs and look like my avitar.

[Shadow]

Do drugs responsibily: once a week is good! lol

[Yian]

He put that avatar there so everyone knows what it is like when Gandolf does the drug...

"Gandolf is awesome!"

"Yeah...! You want some?"

[wangstramedeous]

lol

[SaintDL]

good point. but i dont think the stoned personnel out there are gonna make anything outta it. LOL

[Bluu]

u ARE the thread killer SaintDL...can't think of any reply after u post ;) ;)

[Odm]

uhh... bluu, you just did

[aleincaveman]

Hey saint I like to chase the flys. Go some too.
And heres a joke 4 u guys, and got lots more.
Da should I start a new thread?

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They found a bank with the lights off and they started to rob it. They smashed the windows and a door with crowbars. They found the safe and broke into it. They found boxes but no money. Then one robber found lots of cups with stuff that looked like yogurt inside. He ate it and said it was pretty good. The other robbers agreed. The head robber said ''We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat!'' The very next morning the paper said, ''World's largest sperm bank robbed last night.''


Sick?LOL:D

[SaintDL]

lol i heard that one b4 too. lol. that was still pretty good after all these years. c'mon contribute to the joke page

[aleincaveman]

Here's another one... LOL



A women was pregnant with triplets. anyway one day she goes into this bank. the bank is being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach!! luckily she lives. she goes to the doctor. he says her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out. so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"so the mother tells her the story. the next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" the next day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "no, i was jerking off and i shot the dog!":D

[aleincaveman]

A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can you help me?"
"Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask you mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen.
"Hey mom...would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mom looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room.
Once he gets there, he bangs on the door.. and asks her the same question. "Oh my god...YES YES YES...blah blah blah...." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing.
"For a million bucks?What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click.....
"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality."
"What did you learn son?"
"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality,
we're living with two sluts and a fag!":D :D

[SaintDL]

Don't Say This During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[Bluu]

lol!
34 is awesome!